MR DIMBO ATIYA, THIS IS YOUR FAULT
This is the sort of crisis-inducing question only a writer would ask. Thank you, sir. No thank you. I'm worn out from reflecting.
Yesterday, I had the incredible opportunity to spend the afternoon with Mr. Dimbo Atiya and some of his staff (many thanks to my friend, Peace Ozavize Emmanuel “Pazzzzz” with as many z's as possible). I absolutely loved it.
Here's what's been lingering in my mind from our conversation.
We chatted about films and ambitions, and then, out of the blue, he asked about my studies. "Mathematics," I replied. His surprise was evident—a reaction I secretly relish, despite the four years I can never reclaim. We delve into discussions about favourite secondary school subjects and the stark differences between teenage dreams and adult realities.
Then came the curveball: "What were you trying to be?"
What?
I went blank.
Mr. Atiya, sensing my frozen brain, chuckled and graciously tried to help my dullness, "I mean, if one studies nursing, it's to be a nurse, or law to be a barrister. What about Mathematics?"
Eh? Excuse me, sir. Of course, I know what you are asking, but why me? Why now? My life just got good!
Here's where my memory fades. I attempted to give a profound answer, I’m sure I tried, that's my thing.
Truth is, “nothing”. I wasn't trying to be anything for the longest time.
Even now, it gets blurry.
Who am I trying to be?
This is the crisis-inducing question only a writer would ask. Thank-you-No thank you, sir. I'm worn out from reflecting.
How did I get to Mathematics in the first place, you may wonder. Let’s go back a bit.
My father called me “my daucter” right up to SS2. I have never appreciated the ingenuity of the creativity in this name till this moment (I should call Daddy). ‘Daucter’ is a beautiful play of the words, doctor and daughter, two identities that had I kept, may have saved the world the stress of yet another personal story/identity crisis. I don’t remember why or how but Doctor never stuck as Daughter has, and when I got to SS2, to the conversation of what to fill out in the coming university applications, I panicked a lot.
My parents got frustrated with my confusion many times - it didn’t help to just silently nudge me into the medical sciences. It gets hard being a human rights activist and a Nigerian parent; they try, they really do. A big S/O to them for outsourcing it to God instead. All I had to do now was pray earnestly and seek God to reveal my purpose to me. Who does he want me to be? I wish he answered. I sure hope he answers still, I could still use that divine revelation. Anyway, I heard nothing and when I got tired of trying, I just picked the fastest verse and presented it to everyone.
Jer. 29 vs 5, “Build ye houses, and dwell in them; and plant gardens, and eat the fruit of them” - Civil Engineering.
I remember enough to know I took pride in that decision until, as you can guess, that didn’t happen- long story short, I didn’t make the cut off for admission into the faculty of Engineering, UNN. I did make it through in my Landmark University application but over 1M tuition fee when you can pick a second choice form in a federal university and save the family money? We chose the later and went back to square one; what will be the second choice?
Who am I trying to be?
I am a woman of a great many influences. I had a brilliant further mathematics teacher. Mr Morankiyo from Ogbomosho was also our VP Acad. I was great at Maths and one of the 3 students offering further mathematics in FGGC Ezzamgbo in 2012/2013. Naturally, we became close. The other girls called him my dad, and that was perfect since also there was a slight resemblance.
This is how, when push came to shove, I applied to be a Mathematician.
Now, how did I leave Maths?
Well, it didn’t take long into the second semester for me to know I had made a big mistake. Secondary School is nothing like University Maths. Despite a B2 grade in Further Maths WASSCE, it didn’t translate to success in Calculus or any course, for that matter. As my confidence waned, everything suffered.
By 300 Level, the only thing I had going for me was my big friendship, Yvonne, and being the Class Representative. All of my self-worth came from that. I was doing less than everyone expected of me.
Here is a reality check: what people think shouldn’t matter as much as what you think but if you don’t think much too, you are finished.
I was doing less than I expected of me. I was failing. I knew I was failing. I am failing at this. Who am I trying to be?
Somehow, for my parent’s sake, I graduated. A CGPA of 3.33. I don’t think of myself as a 3.33 person; I never will, but all things considered, I have no idea how that happened! It is the biggest relief of my life. I imagine I would be more ashamed of it had I expected something more. My expectations of my person as a Mathematician were reduced to at least 10 years of trying to clear my courses. When you do not expect, you don’t suffer hurt; bare minimum can easily be a blessing. I took my 3.33 and ran away from everything including my friends from school. For the next year or two, only Yvonne remained in my life.
Service year, what now?
Plateau State - Dance & Drama CDS - first time more than a 5 hour drive away from home- I would start reclaiming myself. It didn’t all happen there but I wasn’t as ashamed anymore. I was dancing and performing for the NYSC Plateau cultural trope. We would go on to compete for the NYSC DG’s culture and sports festival cup in Eagle Square, Abuja, and win. I will also win the Best Female Dancer and the Best Essay prize on the same day my mates were passing out.
Am I a dancer now? Am I a writer now? This is worse. I couldn’t enjoy my win as I should. What is this? Who am I trying to be?
About a year later, I am back to Enugu for a wedding and I reconnected with a forever influence, my private tutor in JSS3-SS1. She introduced me to another now influence, Okey Oku, and this is how I spent the next 18 months being Pure Sound and Visual Tech’s Administrative Manager, then Production Manager or Assistant Director on film sets.
In March 2023, I renegotiated my contract to allow me work remotely while figuring out the hole in my being. My place didn’t feel right anymore. In retrospect, I can see how I couldn’t accept I was any good at my job. There is always more any lean team can do and as long as I wasn’t doing it, I didn’t fit. This poor form of self assessment and the inclination to run instead of work on what feels out of place is a recurring mechanism I am now determined to fight.
I must learn to extend my self some beginner’s grace.
This year alone, I dabbled in films, taught Bitcoin basics, assisted a celebrity, wrote iGaming articles, managed an office, and briefly played secretary to the Honourable Commissioner of Innovation, Science & Tech Enugu. Matter of fact, between May and October 2023, I juggled all those roles simultaneously.
In the grand scheme of things, what you become works best as your strengths align with the ability to create unique economic value.
Today is the 31st of December, 2023. By the time I publish this, it will be the 1st day of a new calendar year. It will also be 12 days since I packed up 43kg of luggage and board a plan from Enugu to Abuja. It feels right. It is all serendipity and Mr. Chris Odeh; I had no hand in getting here.
Who am I trying to be?
A producer!
This is right; I can feel it, I know it.
As I celebrate my many good wills; moving to a Abuja seamlessly, getting the chance to just be one thing for as long as my curiosity will allow, stepping into the big shoes of In-house Producer at Mswitch Media, I realize that the journey of self-discovery often involves exploring diverse paths.
When and if I meet a young one as confused as I get, should I say to them, “embrace the uncertainty, try out different roles, and give each experience your all. Because, in the grand scheme of things, what you become works best when it aligns seamlessly with your strengths, coupled with the ability to bring unique economic value to the market?”
Through all these have I found my strength? Am I of economic value?
Would I have been better off being Daucter?
When I give this advice, should I end with give it sometime curt about time? “Hey, give it time!” Then I give an impersonal smile like I didn’t ever cry or hurt from the confusion.
Based on my journey, I already know that whether I like it or not, 2024 will present forks in the road. Will I stay put? What will I veer off to? Who will I try to be next?
I’ll leave you and myself with this quote:
I exist as I am, that is enough, If no other in the world be aware I sit content, And if each and all be aware I sit content. One world is aware, and by the far the largest to me, and that is myself, And whether I come to my own today or in ten thousand or ten million years, I can cheerfully take it now, or with equal cheerfulness, I can wait.
-Walt Whitman
LEAVE ME YOUR THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS IF YOU HAVE ANY.